Ridiculous Things Everyone Does While Job Searching

March 12, 2015

The job search

The process of finding a job requires that you morph into equal parts hunter, professional public speaker, and desperate used car salesman with a quota bearing down on you. It starts with an exercise of how well you can translate your value as a human being into bulleted 12-point Times New Roman font. Then, with the combined pressure of a blind date, police interrogation, and a PhD thesis defense, you sit before a panel of strangers and convince them you’re worthy of doing stuff for them in return for the ability to pay your bills buy $4 drip coffee at fancy coffee shops.

Of course, it’s all worth it when you land something that really speaks to who you are and what you love to do (and you don’t have to pay for Chipotle in nickels anymore). So read on to find solace in the communal job struggle—and if you want to find work that’s worth all the hours spent resume-writing (and looking at other people’s LinkedIn profiles for ideas), check out our new book, Roadmap.

Step 1: Update resume

Refer to your computer’s thesaurus every 3rd word (and realize there’s only so many ways to say ‘grew,’ ‘developed,’ and ‘fostered’).

Step 2: Consider entering a psych ward when your Word document misaligns every_single_bullet_point

Even comp sci majors have to Google how to override auto-format bulleting.

Step 3: Browse Craigslist for jobs in your desired field

Find yourself entertaining any job that doesn’t entail you holding a pineapple in a Batman suit 3 nights a week for unexplained reasons.

Step 4: Send the same cover letter to 27 listings

The ones that offer actual pay and/or college credits, anyway. (If it mentions “great for your portfolio!”, ain’t nobody got time for that.)

Step 5: Scrub Facebook of all compromising evidence of cleavage-bearing, beer-ponging, and doing anything other than being an exemplar role model for small children

Basically delete all record of your existence.

Step 6: Ask your friend to be your “manager reference”

Pray he refrains from saying “dude” every 3 words.

Step 7:  Wait

Internet-stalk potential co-workers…and exes.

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